FUN-lucky

I didn't get much, if any, sleep last night, despite a heavy dose of Ambien, administered by everyone's favorite little nurse.
I guess last night was "let's see who can scream the loudest" night at Arkham.
What I do remember of a dream I briefly had is skint, at best.
But I'll try and dress it up for you.

I was standing atop the Gotham Mutual building, staring out over The Palisades, wondering what would be the best way to take out Gotham's favorite playboy.
That snooty highbrow, Wayne, wouldn't know a good time if it shot him in the face.
Batman, though....now he's a challenge.
So I began to ponder on whether or not to blow up Wayne Manor, but decided against it, knowing full well that I wouldn't even get the credit.
I mean, the first time someone destroyed his house, the press said it was his fault. That he got drunk and burned the place down.
I didn't want to take that chance.
So I waited there, hoping for an idea to come to me.

That's basically the whole dream.
Me waiting and thinking.

I hate boring dreams.

-Mr. J

Awkward "Reality"?

I'm still not sure if this is, in fact, a dream.

Last night, at around 12:30, Nurse Cutie Pie happened into my room.
I felt unable to sleep, as usual, and was very surprised to be on the receiving end of an unscheduled visit.
She locked the door behind her and walked toward me.
I asked her if anyone had seen her, and she told me "no".
Without any other words exchanged between the two of us, she stood facing me and put her hand down the front of my pants.
As she stroked me, she said "I don't want you to love me. I don't want to be your girlfriend. Now get on the bed".
As I sat on the edge of the bed, ready yet confused, she reached under her skirt and removed her panties.
She walked to the bed, pulled my pants down to my ankles, and straddled me.
She eased me inside her, watching my eyes.
With the tip of her tongue, she traced the scar on the right side of my face, following it to my mouth.
As we kissed, she bit my lips and played with my tongue.
Our breathing deepened as our pace quickened.
She leaned backward and placed her hands on my thighs.
As she rode me, she tipped her head back, breathing more and more heavily.
Without warning, she wrapped her left hand around my throat and began squeezing...choking me.
And I liked it.
I heard her begin to moan, and felt her body tighten up.
She forced herself toward me and kissed me hard as she came, squeezing my neck tightly.

I blacked out, and when I came to, my pants were pulled up and I was under the covers.

I'm in a weird place right now.

-Mr. J

Ratman

I had a very strange dream last night in which I was bitten on the face by a giant rat.
It was glowing green, and had giant red eyes.
He almost looked like Christmas.
I felt my skin bubbling, and thought it might be bubonic plague, but when I looked at myself in the mirror, I was turning into a rat.
My face became covered in fur, my nose had elongated, and I grew whiskers.
I went from street corner to street corner, biting people and turning them into rats as well, in some sort of vampire chain of events.

I think I probably had this dream because of the dead rat that's under the bed in this room.
It's half-decayed and has a paper ribbon around its neck that says "Mr. Squishy".

Awkward situation.

-Mr. J

I Like Big Guns (And I Cannot Lie)

Last night's dream was a blast.
I had a full arsenal at my disposal, and I used it.
I went around town just blowing the hell out of buildings.
I even went to Jim Gordon's place.
I didn't do anything to his house, though. I just looked in the windows a bit.
I did go to Wayne manor to do some damage, though.
Marvelous things happened to this town.
The more I hopped around with those guns, the more I liked it.
And the more I smiled.
I climbed up to the top of the clocktower near Gotham National Bank, and could see almost the whole town burning before me.
As I looked over the city, I saw what I always wanted to see...complete chaos.
The streets poured over with frightened citizens, and screams of terror filled the air.
I had created anarchy...and I loved every minute of it.
Before long, though, I got bored with the scrambling masses, and decided to pick people off, one by one.
I shot wildly into the crowds below, without regard for anything.
It was really like, and pardon the cliche, shooting fish in a barrel.

Dreams can't get much sweeter.

-Mr. J

Skulls and Bones Can Kiss My Stones

I haven't been able to get a good night's rest since the Harley/Batman dream.
Every dream I have just seems so....sub-par by comparison.

Take last night's dream, for instance.
I had a dream that I was a bee.
I was just flying around, stealing nectar from flowers, but not pollinating anything.
I didn't even sting anyone.

Talk about boring.

-Mr. J

Sweet Dreams...

I took a little nap earlier, and the dream I had was delightful.
Now, for some reason, a lot of people here at Arkham have been bringing up Harley when they talk to me.
I think she's up to something.
Well, naturally, you can only hear about a person so much before you begin to think of them on your own.
That's where my dream comes into play.

Harley and I were scamping around town like we used to in the old days.
Batman was hot on our tails, and wasn't slowing up any time soon.
We were off in a stolen cruiser, and Batjerk was speeding up on his souped-up butt-bike.
We hit corners like a drunk guy hits his wife.
We crossed a bridge connecting The Narrows to downtown Gotham, and stalled out on 52nd Street.
As we rushed out of the car, Batman did what he does best, and swooped in, ruining the moment.
He grabbed Harley and took her to the roof of City Hall.
I was just gonna leave her there since I really am not much of a caring person, but just knowing that she needed me made me smile.
That meant I still had power over her.
So I got myself up to the roof of City Hall and faced-off with the Batman.
He tossed Harley toward the edge of the building, and came at me like a rabid dog.
As he slammed into me, I tumbled backwards, crashing into the rooftop.
As Batman jumped on top of me, I raised one foot up and grabbed his shoulders.
I kicked him low, making him flip over me and land on his back.
I jumped up and flicked out my trusty Cupid and straddled Batman.
I took the knife to his mask, but quickly decided it'd be more fun to kill him without even knowing who he was.
I zipped the blade into his neck as fast as I could, and watched as he panicked.
He grabbed his throat and began choking on his own blood.
He struggled with me a short while before giving in.
The last thing he saw was me laughing at him.
I grabbed Harley, who was hysterical, and pulled her close.
She cried into my chest and latched onto me as tightly as she could.
I told her to calm down....that everything was alright.
I told her to just be quiet, and I let her know that the big bad bat wasn't ever going to hurt her again.
I turned her around so she faced away from me.
I still held her close in my left arm, and with my right hand I reached behind me and grabbed the gun in the back of my waistband.
I kept telling Harley to shush, and said it was all over.
Then, I took the gun to her head and, without warning, blew her brains out all over City Hall.

I hope I can get back to sleep after that.
It was just sooooo good.

-Mr. J

Reversal of Roles

I had a dream last night that I was being robbed.
There were men in my house, raiding closets and desk drawers looking for anything to steal.
I was tied to a chair, duct tape covering my mouth.
Naturally, I had no idea what was happening.
I saw a woman on the floor, her insides splayed across the carpet and her face cut from ear to ear.
I recognized that smile.
I invented that smile.
I kept wondering when the joke would be over, but it wasn't.
That's when I noticed it.
I felt the inside of my mouth with my tongue, and felt no scars.
What was happening?
Who was that woman?
Why was I the victim this time?
I struggled against the ropes, but they only dug into my skin more.
I rocked my chair from side to side, trying to find a way up.
I fell hard as the chair tipped over to the right.
One of the men walked over to where I was lying now, and ripped the tape off my mouth.
I couldn't see his face.
He demanded to know where something was, but I didn't know what he was talking about, much less where to find it.
He called me a liar and sliced my face open at the corners of my mouth.
The blade sliced completely through each cheek and into the gumline.
As I bled out on the carpeted floor beneath me, I couldn't tell if I was crying or laughing.
The shock had taken over.

When I woke up, I was back in my safe little room and Nygma was snoring.

-Mr. J

Slay Belles

Last night's dream was wonderful.

I was surrounded by beautiful women who lived to do my bidding.
I'd say "jump" and they'd say "off of which building?"
It was great.
I remember the sky outside was a sapphire, almost royal blue, color.
I walked the streets with my girls following me.
The night was calm in Gotham.
The women began sectioning off, planting explosives in various buildings.
*chik* *chik* *chik* *chik*
The timers ticked away, counting down to destruction.
In my head, I could hear Danse Macabre, and I began skipping down the road.
One right after another, buildings went up all around me, exploding in time with the music.
The night sky lit up a smokey reddish hue, and all around, Gotham was warm.
The music in my head grew louder and louder until everyone around could hear it.
I danced with a few of my ladies, slicing their cheeks as I passed them off.
As the music crescendoed, I felt such vibrant joy.
All I could do was laugh.

I even woke up giggling.

-Mr. J

Crash of the Titans

Last night's dream was very calming.
I was in the ocean.
Nurse Cutie Pie was with me.
We floated together in each others' arms for what seemed like an eternity.
I remember climbing to the top of a cliff with her.
We looked down as the earth opened up below, and we dove headlong into the gap.
We fell forever, before landing softly on a giant mat.
We rolled around, our bodies wet and warm, devouring each others' lips.
It was the first time I'd ever been gentle with a woman.
I wanted to take her violently, rip her to shreds, and leave her begging me for more.
I wanted her to feel the most vibrant pain.
But instead, I made her feel tender pleasure.
It was a new and frustrating experience, but I needed more.
Every move I made was forced into submission.
I fought the urge to choke her, to beat her, to rip her open.
Instead, I moved my hands over her body with a grace unbefitting me.
The movement of her hips was willing and inviting, not strained and frightened like in my other dreams.
She moaned in my ear and grabbed me tightly, wanting - needing - more.
There were no screams of terror, no fighting or forcefulness...
I wasn't used to it all.
She pulled me closer into her as we finished and told me she loved me.

I grabbed my clothes and ran.

Nope...no thank you, ma'am.
Don't need that.

-Mr. J

Dr. Quinzel, Maniac Woman

I dreamt I was back in the old therapy room with Harley as my doctor.
Sheesh, I haven't been in that situation in 15 or so years.
But I remember it all really well.
She'd come in with her hair up and sprayed in place, glasses just slightly off the bridge of her nose, acting like she wasn't impressed by me.
I'd just sit there, smug look on my face, wondering if she'd notice that my cuffs were never actually locked when she was in the room.

In my dream, we talked about trust.
I asked her why she was never afraid of me in that room.
She told me it was because she trusted me.
She said that if I had actually wanted to do something to her in that room, I would have.
She said that she trusted me not to do anything because she knew how much it meant to me NOT to get sent to Blackgate.
I just smirked.
I leaned in across the table and said "If you think you can trust me, you're crazier than I am."
As soon as I saw her scribble that down in her little book, I reached across the table and knocked it out of her hands.
I threw off my cuffs and dragged my chair to the door.
I wedged the chair against the doorknob so that it couldn't be opened.
I asked Harley how much she trusted me now.
She couldn't answer.
This only made me angrier.
I walked up to her and grabbed her by the throat.
I stood her up and pinned her to the wall by her neck.
"HOW MUCH?!" I barked.
She got this huge grin on her face and said "I trust you, Mistah J".

I always hated that about her.
Every single time I'd try to instill a little fear in that woman, she would always come at me with that "I trust you" schtick.

So I threw her on the table and began wailing on her face.
I punched her until her face looked like raw beef.
But she still talked about how much she trusted me.
Well, it actually sounded more like "I nrushoo, minah yay".

When I woke up, my hand was in my pants again.

-Mr. J

Those Quirky Kittens

I dreamt I was gutting kittens with a wooden spoon.
I don't know how, and I didn't really care why.
And the whole time, the kittens were giggling.
Giggling as if I was tickling them.
Then I saw Willie Nelson.
He was asking where he could get drugs, and I pointed at Nurse Cutie Pie, who was standing right across the room.
When I looked back down at the kittens, I saw myself as a little boy, carving them up with a box cutter.
The little me looked up and saw a clock on the wall.
He began to run, and I chased him.
We ran through halls that looked like they belonged in an old castle.
Little Me stopped suddenly in a corridor, and I grabbed him.
As I turned him to face me, I saw his face was nothing but a blank white mask.
I removed the mask and saw a skull covered in mud, worms, and maggots.

I hope we have spaghetti for lunch today.

-Mr. J

The Marrying Type

I had the most interesting dream.
I was married to Nurse Cutie Pie.
I know, I know "Mr. J married?!?!"
Sounds impossible, but it was just a dream, so settle down.

And the bride wore red.
She looked stunning in her tight-fitting, controversially-colored wedding dress.
She didn't wear a veil, which I liked.
I mean, if she was wearing a veil in my dream, there's no guarantee it would be her, and not a man.
But she was gorgeous.
She let her long brown hair flow free, uninhibited by her cumbersome, work-related bun.

All of Gotham watched as we lied to each other, saying we'd be there for each other for all time.
And a fire rained down from the sky, crashing upon everyone present.
It was beautiful.
The sky was lit up all red and orange, and a glow encapsulated the city.
It was glorious and damning at once.

My bride ripped off her dress and ran naked through the burning crowd, laughing and dancing all the way.
I chased her down and grabbed her roughly.
We watched as the city burned around us.

With our hands all over one another, we smashed into buildings, savagely ravaging each other in fits of violent passion.

It was a thing I'd only felt while on the outside wreaking havok on the town.
I felt like my heart swelled up, and I was so turned on, I could explode.
Every twist in the road, every curve on her body...we slammed into each other like renegade trains on opposing sides of the same track.

Death surrounded us, and we were consumed by fire, but we did not stop.
We couldn't.
All we could do was press our bodies together and writhe in a mix of pain, agony, and ecstacy.

It was the best sex I've ever had, and it didn't even happen.

-Mr. J

The Fashion of the Christ

I had about 2 hours of uninterrupted, drug-free sleep last night.
What did my brain do with it?
It made me dream of Jesus in a tuxedo.
Why?
Because he was probably a lot flashier than we think.
Silly magicians.

-Mr. J

Floored

I don't remember dreaming last night....mostly because I didn't sleep.
But today, when Nurse Cutie Pie came in with her trusty cart, I got a healthy dose of thorazine for beating up an orderly.

Eddie was out doing nerd stuff (probably looking up lonely librarians in search of a "pen pal"), so I asked Cutie Pie to stay with me until I fell asleep.

I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again, I was in a field.
It was dark and grey all around me.
I could smell things burning, but there was no fire.
The sky was a dingy mix of charcoal and slate colors, swirled with red in the clouds.
I began to walk toward a clear area, and tripped over a rock.
I looked at the ground around me and noticed I was standing in a fire pit.
The ground beneath my feet was warm and smoking.
I heard a noise behind me, and when I turned to face it, a giant birdlike creature swooped out of nowhere and flew right at me, knocking me to the ground.
I laid on my back for a few moments before realizing what had just happened to me.
As I hoisted myself up off the ashy ground, the creature came at me again.
I grabbed onto it and wrestled it to the ground.
The bird-thing turned into a giant bat, and began biting at me.
I took one of the stones from the pit and beat the thing over the head until it stopped fighting back.
That's when it turned into Batman.
I slid my hand underneath the front of his mask and pulled it up and back, revealing a face.
I stood in shock as I looked down and realized it was my own face I was looking at, all beaten and dead.
Just then, the Bat-me burst into flames and crackled like dry wood.

I need to try sleeping without drugs once in a while.

-Mr. J

Bunnyman

I had an awkward dream last night.

Batman was wearing bunny ears and just stared at me.
Nurse Cutie Pie sat on his lap, playing with the ears, looking at me, and kissing his mask.
There were little bats floating in the air with tiny smiles on their faces.
Batman took out this grappeling hook gun and shot it at me.
I was decapitated.
I heard jack-in-the-box music playing, and confetti exploded out of my neck as I loooked up at my body from the floor.
My body picked up my head and put it back on.
Batman had dissappeared, and Nurse Cutie Pie was standing in front of me, wearing a black vinyl body suit.
She threw a giant syringe at me, and it pierced my heart.
I threw up blood and fell to my knees.
As I looked up at her, she kicked the syringe, plunging it deeper into my chest.
I collapsed and heard her say "kill him, puddin'!"

This isn't right at all.

-Mr. J

Bad Movie Dream & The Good Nurse

I had a nightmare last night.
Hollywood was remaking "Pretty in Pink", and it was starring Britney Spears.
Now, I don't like John Hughes movies anyway (too mushy and feel-good for yours truely), but anything with Britney in it makes me want to snap necks.

Fortunately in my dream, I got to tie Miss Crazypants up and light her on fire...on national television.
She screamed bloody murder.
I was in paradise.

When I awoke from that dream, it was still night.
I got bored and started acting up so I could get a sedative.
I threw things around in my room and the orderlies came.
I bit one of them as the other grabbed me.
I was promptly sedated and thrown back into bed.

As I drifted off, I thought of my Nurse Cutie Pie.

I saw her enter my room.
Her hair and uniform were perfect and pressed.
I couldn't speak or move. I was gagged and strapped to my bed.
She walked to me, her movements slowed by my dreamworld.
Her med cart trailed behind her like a ghost.
It was loaded with syringes, scalpels, and other fun toys.
She sat on the edge of my bed, her hip against my hand.
I could feel that she wasn't wearing panties.
She opened the top few buttons on my shirt and began rubbing my chest.
I wanted to move, to violate her, to do anything...but I felt paralyzed.
Her hands moved down to my pants.
She grabbed my waistband and pulled my pants down over my hips and turned me on my side.
She took a syringe from her cart, and administered a shot....but of what? I don't know.
As she turned me back, her hand slid over the front of my pants, grazing me lightly.
She climbed on top of me, sitting on my hips.
I saw her reach to her cart. She grabbed a scalpel.
As she opened my shirt the rest of the way, she rocked back and forth on my hips, exciting me more and more.
She bagan to stab me furiously, and with a childlike ecstacy.
She then leaned forward and began kissing my scars and told me how much she enjoyed me...how much she wanted me.
She smelled like vanilla and lilacs.

When I woke up this morning, my hand was in my pants.
Good dreams are a thing of beauty.

-Mr. J

The Frightened Lady

I had a pretty boring dream last night.

I lurked around a neighborhood and found a random woman to harass.
I waited until dark before I snuck into her house.
I crept into the basement and watched her as she did the laundry, but she spotted me.
I must have startled her an aweful lot, as she dropped her laundry and ran.
This woman had saucers for eyes.
She ran and grabbed a shoebox off a shelf and opened it up, shaking.
In that box was an old gun. I couldn't tell the make or model, which was disappointing.
She pointed the gun at me, and I moved closer to her.
Her fear grew as she realized I had no regard for my own life.
I told her to pull the trigger, and she froze.
It frightened her to know that it would do her no good to try and shoot me, so she dropped the gun and ran up the basement stairs.
I sighed in disappointment, and chased after her.
I got about half way up the stairs before Batman swooped in.
How did he know? This wasn't his house.
Did this woman have a portable bat signal or something?
Was he just in the neighborhood?
As he gripped my shirt and lifted me, I thought "this'll be fun".
He tossed me down the stairs and I landed with a thud.
I lay flat on my back for a few seconds before seeing the gun the woman had dropped.
I grabbed the gun and scrambled to the opposite side of the room.
I checked to see if the gun was loaded. Fortunately, it was.
I turned just in time to face Batman, and I pulled the trigger in his face.
Imagine my surprise when no bullet was fired.
Instead, there was a red flag with the word "BANG!" scrawled on it.
The Batman yanked me up, and all I saw was black.

I wish I hadn't dreamt that.

-Mr. J

The Cheery Nurse

I had a daydream about the Thorazine nurse today.
I was in a bit of a stupor, and locked in my cell, so I really had nothing better to do than to dream.

She came to my cell to administer my "medication" and take my vitals.
When she turned to check the levels on her cart, I ripped the pressure cuff off my arm and wrapped it around her neck.
I shoved her onto my bed and leaped on top of her as she struggled for air.
Every movement she made only prolonged the mechanical strangulation.
As I straddled her on the bed, I turned my head toward the medical cart.
I reached over and found a pill-cutter. Quickly, I broke the device and removed the razor blade.
Nurse Cutie Pie was nearly passed out by this point, so I had to move fast.
As the pressure cuff strangled her tightly, I began to run the razor over her skin, nicking her face in several spots. I sliced her lightly, and watched as she weakened.
Her eyes rolled back in her skull, and I removed the pressure cuff from her neck.
She gasped heavily and bled.
As she lay crying and holding her throat, I positioned myself to where I was now lying between her legs.
I was aroused by her pain and suffering. I wanted to enter her, but there was more to be done first.
I lifted myself up to a kneeling position, still between her thighs, placed my left hand under the nurse's back, and lifted her to meet my face.
Then, with the right hand, I plunged the razor blade into her back, carving her body down the length of her spine.
She flailed and swung wildly as I cut her, mashing her fists into my chest.
I shoved her back down, forcing her to lie in an ever-growing pool of her own blood.
I told her I wanted her to beg me for her life, and she refused.
I grabbed her right hand and pulled it toward me, placing it on my "excitement".
Once again, I barked the order "beg me not to kill you!".....and she did. With tears in her eyes.

I spent precisely 3 seconds staring into her eyes before I sliced her throat open.
As she lay in my bed dying, I laid myself down beside her.
I lay on my side, pressing myself into her thigh until I fell asleep.

When I finally awoke, I came to the sad realization that I was alone in my cell, and that none of this had actually occured.

But it was a nice dream.

-Mr. J